… “But people will use you, talk about you, then have the audacity to think that you are unaware of the fact. But the shit is so obvious. I mean, how can it not be obvious, even then. Like I said, me not knowing that I was an empath at that time, I somehow knew. Like, when you walk into a room full of people and everyone tries to change the subject or stop talking. Not to mention facial expressions. I am pretty good at figuring those things out. It doesn’t take much for me. I knew; I have always known. Like when you go to pick your “crew” up and everybody looks a certain way as they check out what you are wearing and shit. All of the time plotting. I knew, and the people in the streets knew, and many told me about the hate… “friends and family”.
So yep, I knew that then, but I know better NOW! And it never stopped me from being the person that I was. To the core, you are who you are, regardless! A lot of times you see shit, and you know you are already going through; but when you see somebody else having it rougher than you, and they just keep going through shit, over and over again, and it’s always hard for them, there is a reason. But you try your best to help people out, you try your best to encourage them, but no matter how hard you try, their struggle remains, it remains for them.
As I reflect back on it, there is a reason that their struggles remained. Like I said, I wasn’t aware of all of the forces and activities that go on in the invisible world at that time. But looking back, the reason that their struggles may have remained was because of the evil that they were doing, and had done, even to me, that I may not have been aware of at that time. Now, I don’t know that they knew or realized that what they were doing to me may have been the cause of their issues, but as I reflect, that’s a big part of what it was, and the rest is their Karma from the past, and that which they keep accumulating by their continuance of evil actions and thoughts. And that’s exactly what it’s going to be, you know, until they get themselves right, in the eyes of God. Because it wasn’t only me, that was wronged, it was a lot of people, including their own family members. So, it was never about me; never about me at all! It was about a person’s low self-esteem, hate, jealousy, and evil, which stems from the heart of the persecutor, not, in this case, the persecuted. But it was never about me, so those things, that hate, does not bother me. Because like I said, I know I have done right by people, and they know, I have done right by them.
But I was around all of this darkness, still going through, still thinking about my death, still working, still drinking and doing all of it. I ended up feeling really bad, physically. It just got to a point where I was feeling bad every day. It couldn’t be a good thing to feel sick every day. But I was feeling sick every day, every single day. Each day that I would wake up, even if I had not drunk anything alcoholic, I felt sick on the stomach. And this went on for a long time, I guess a couple of years or so, maybe longer. At that point, I could not recall ever feeling that way for such a long period of time. You know sometimes you hang out or whatever, drinking, and you feel bad, but I was feeling bad every day. And then, like I said, the pains in my body were bothering me. I was having pains in my stomach as well. So, I ended up seeing a doctor, but I didn’t tell anyone that I was going. Again, I say that some doctors are not really concerned with your well-being, or not conscious enough to care. This is what I noticed, whenever you go to the doctor’s and they pull up their computer screen, they are pulling up a service such as Web MD.
When you give them a list of your symptoms, they connect to Web MD on the internet. So, you can go online to that very site, put in your symptoms, and doctor yourself…to a degree; or at least know what you are dealing with when going for a doctor’s visit. It’s also good for learning about prescription medications, so that you may find natural alternatives, on your own, instead. But I went to the doctor’s a few times for a physical. Each time I would go, they would tell me that my liver enzymes were abnormal, and the next time they would check again. This particular time that I went, the doctor tried to tell me the same thing.
But I told the ‘doctor’ “that wasn’t good enough because I had been feeling bad, and the last time I came, you told me this and that and the other, and that you were going to check it this time. I need for y’all to check whatever it was, or is, happening to my liver.” So, they did blood work and ran other tests. And I had to wait. Of course, you have to wait, and not knowing what the results would be, you know I was scared. I mean, I knew what I drank and how much. You know, I drank hard, and I drank my liquor straight; sometimes on ice, shaken not stirred, or sometimes with ginger ale. I drank beer, I loved the taste of certain beers; I was a “drinker”, shit! But, umm, I didn’t know what it was going to be, you know. I’m thinking the only thing I know that goes with that issue is cirrhosis of the liver, or something like that. And I was scared, thinking the big “C”, cancer, and all of these things. But hey, I didn’t have anybody to tell, so I didn’t tell anyone. I kept it to myself, and I talked to God about it. I was nervous, you know; I was nervous. Anyway, when they gave me the two scenarios, they said that they would have to do a biopsy on my liver to be sure. I don’t trust doctors, but they told me that they needed to do that. I did tell my daughters about that because someone had to go with me. They both went with me, and the biopsy was done, but of course I had to wait for those results. “Lorrdd, have mercy!” It was scary at first because I had been dreaming about death and stuff, and all of these other things, so you know damn well, it was worrisome as hell to me. I didn’t know if I had manifested an illness or what. I didn’t know.
The time came for the results, and I went by myself. I went in, and I was nervous, wringing my hands and shit, just nervous and scared. It felt like I had to take a shit! But at the same time ready, because I had already talked to God on the way and was willing to accept whatever it was to be. You know, it wasn’t much I could do about it at that point, whatever it was. What was I going to do at that point? But I had resigned myself to a dire outcome if it was to be. So, I went in, no tears, no sadness, still talking to God. The doctor came and asked if I was alone, and I told him, yeah. I told him that I didn’t bring anyone with me this time. He sat down and talked to me and told me that it wasn’t Cancer, which was the happiest thing, because at that point, I really didn’t give a damn what it was, you know, as long as it wasn’t THAT. He said it wasn’t that or Cirrhosis and told me what the issue was.
Man, on that ride home, you talking about somebody being the HAPPIEST ONE; I was the HAPPIEST ONE! “Oh Lord”, all I could do was give glory to God! And that was another time, out of all the times, He was there. Again, throughout all of that dark period that I went through, of me thinking of death, my body wracking with pain, and all of the stuff that I was going through, you know, God was there. And he wasn’t just there to be there or hangout, you know what I’m saying? He was there for a reason and a purpose. After I realized I was okay, after they did the biopsy and everything, I then asked God “Now what? I don’t know what to do; what do I do now?” I didn’t have anywhere to go; I couldn’t get away. So on the way back home from the doctor’s visit, I was praising and thanking God, more determined, that I was going to take better care of myself.
“And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom; teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts, to the Lord.” (Colossians 3:14-16 KJV)
So, I had stopped some of the things that I had been doing, and I tried to take better care of myself, you know, getting into herbal medicinal and alternative healing. In trying to take better care of myself is when I learned a lot about the use of ginger and turmeric for inflammation, and other herbal remedies that work without the side effects of modern medicines. I was working a twelve-hour night shift. There was a long L-shaped hallway that led from the front of the building to the back. I started walking that hall on my lunch break to help with stiffness in my body. When I stopped drinking, I started to lose weight. You know, I was a “thicker” girl then. I’m not that big right now, but I was a thicker girl, that’s why a lot of people are shocked to see me at this size now. I had a dream one time; again with the dreams, but I’m a dreamer! But I had a dream once, during those times, where something or someone told me that I was going to be “skinny”. At this point, I wasn’t too good at dream interpretation, so I’m thinking it’s going to be the opposite and I’m going to get “fatter”. But that’s the only part of that dream I could remember. I didn’t know what it meant, and I never thought anymore about it, until I started losing weight. Now, I won’t say I’m “skinny skinty”, but many people say I look like I could use a sandwich, (smiles), trying to be “smart-asses”! Those are the ones that are used to seeing me thicker than I am at this time. But it’s okay though, if I want a damn sandwich, I’ll eat a damn sandwich; (laughs), and if I don’t want one, that’s okay too, I’m good. I eat when I am hungry, if I’m not too busy.
I wasn’t hanging out at this point anymore. I wasn’t clubbing as much; I wasn’t even going to the little spots where I was hanging at that time; to the “hole in the walls”. Shit, I wasn’t hanging out there anymore because like I said, people had changed. You know, people had gotten older, or just wasn’t doing the same things anymore. Years had passed, so people just weren’t doing the same things, which was cool. I was into school, I was into shows and documentaries, and this new thing that was coming about from within me, you know; I was checking out these new signs and stuff. But see, at that point I still didn’t realize what was taking place. I never could understand the depression and all that I was going through, since now, shit, I had gotten rid of a major problem, the ended relationship. However, what is all of this other stuff? It was the “dark night of the soul” type of shit happening. I wasn’t too familiar with it at that time, but I had read some things about it. I was still thinking about death, still thinking about my funeral; I was like “Lorrdd, I want to be around for my kids.” So, I was ready to move; I was just ready to go. At that point, again, I wanted “my momma” …but she wasn’t there.
Yeah, although I was way stronger than before, I was still ready to go. My main concern was just getting away from the negativity. I just had to get away from the area that I was in. I mean, little dudes getting shot up, girls getting shot up and killed for nothing; you know, the negative, dark people that I associated myself with, who I knew didn’t give a damn about me; not to mention the age-old systemic oppression that still existed in that town! The last year that I was at that particular place, I prayed to God, I prayed to God, “Lord please let me get out of here; next year I’m going to move.” Of course, the next year came around and I didn’t move. But when the next year came around, I moved. I was praying with all of my might to God to get out of there. My son was like fourteen years old, and I didn’t want him in that area, you know growing up in that environment. It was just… it was just a lot. There was a little old lady who lived across the street from me at that time. She may have been in her seventies. She used to drink white rum all of the time, Bacardi White Rum. And she would by it by the gallon too…heh. Sometimes she would send me to the store. I didn’t like white liquor, I enjoyed brown liquor if I was going to drink something. White liquor made me act a fool. You know, I mean, I didn’t go out starting trouble, but it didn’t take much if I drank white liquor; whereas, if I drank brown liquor I would be like, “man, go ‘head’ on”, or whatever, but not if I drank white liquor. So, whenever I didn’t have or couldn’t afford what I drank, I would go sit with her and drink a little bit. I couldn’t drink much; it wasn’t a good drink to me, but a drinker will drink! She would drink it with Coca-Cola, uh, uh uh uh! But I would go over there and drink with her and we would sit and listen to her old music.
She still had everything from the seventies and eighties; her clothes, her furniture, everything. I believe those may have been the happiest times of her life, because mentally, for the most part, that’s where her mind stayed. And she was so proud of her stuff from back then. I think she may have had an early form of Dementia because she always acted like she knew me from back then and would often ask me if I remembered a certain time or event. If I said no, she would try to bring it back to me, with more of her memories that I knew nothing about. I knew in my mind, at that time, that there was no way she could have known me then, at least not in this physical world. People were not too kind to her in the neighborhood, because she did drink, and she didn’t know how to act at times. But I would often go check on her, and she would come over and knock on my door and check on me as well. When I told her that I was moving, she told me that she had been praying to God that I wouldn’t move and that I stayed over there. And I thought about that thing to myself. I said, “Lord I have been praying to you to move, to get away from the area”; however, I think it was like a battle between her prayer and my prayer. I wondered if that was the reason that I found it so hard to move? I don’t know, but I laugh about it now though.
Nonetheless, I finally got away from there. I finally got away! I then moved to the last place that I would live in that town. I stayed there for three years, just me and my son. My oldest daughter was on her own, and my youngest daughter was away at school, so it was just us. And, no one came to see me, or I wouldn’t invite anyone over. If I wanted to see people, I would go to where they were. I would let very few people, who I thought I could trust, at the time, come by. But that’s about it. For the most part, I rolled by myself, worked, did my schooling or whatever, and my research. You know, that’s all I did, and prayed, and talked to God.
For some reason, I started going into a state of despair; and I didn’t know why because I had a job and had gotten away from some of the people I wanted to get away from. But I hadn’t gotten away from the environment. You know, the vibes were still there; the negativity was still all around me. There seemed no way that I could escape it. So, I stayed to myself, listened to music. I did a lot of research. I had fun here and there, you know, enjoying music and going to local shows, but a lot of things that were going on within me, nobody knew. And I wasn’t going to tell anybody. The ones I tried to tell, they didn’t give a damn, took me as a joke, or they didn’t want to try and understand. So I started keeping things to myself. I asked God “Why, what is it in me? How do I get close to you? How can I get this thing if it’s what I want? You said that I have the power. Where do I…?” I mean, I’m just asking all of these questions because I didn’t know. Out of all of the books I was reading, I wasn’t getting it. But I just kept right on and kept right on, going through this “thing”, crying to God asking, “What is going on with me; what is wrong with me? I mean, I know I’m not crazy, why am I going through this? I don’t want to hurt myself for anything in the world!” Nonetheless, I finally started getting it as I was directed to the right books. I was getting it in, and it was so much information, and I read, and I read, and I read; and I watched, and I watched, and I watched, over and over again. And I gained so much knowledge and information, that it became too much for me. I was blitzed with “rays of light”. I was talking to a friend about it, and we tried to figure out a way to share the information. I tried to record some things, but that didn’t work for me. I wasn’t satisfied. I just didn’t know, but it was a lot of material, and I didn’t think God wanted me to have all of this knowledge within me, just to have; you know? It would drive you crazy.
I don’t know, but it just became too much for me to hold inside, but I didn’t know what to do. And I had never experienced it, of course; no one had ever told me about it actually ever happening to any person I knew. No one had ever explained to me about the “Dark Night of the Soul”. I never knew about it. Even when I wasn’t clubbing anymore, I would sometimes go sit in the parking lot just to see who was going to go in, fall, or do something crazy. I would get me a beer, smoke me one, as if! I’m not going in, you know, but still trying to hold on, still lingering in the shit. That’s what I was doing. So, when I say, um, it was the death of my old self, it was me trying to hold on to something that had become superfluous in my world. That’s where all of the thoughts and daydreams of my death came from. I know this to be so, because I don’t have those ideas or dreams anymore about my death and funeral. I don’t think about it anymore. And I’m talking about, I thought about it relentlessly, every day; I could not shake it; I could not shake it! I’m not sure if it showed in my outer appearance or whatever, however, I was worried and stressed, so maybe it did. But I could not shake it.
Eventually, I realized there was nothing wrong with me, but my old “self” was dying off, fading away. It was the death of my old personality, my ego so to speak; the death of everything I was, prior to my “resurrection” or “rebirth”, (born-again) spiritually. So, for me, I now see it as new life after the death of my old personality. And that’s what it was all about. It was about the death of my old self; the death of everything that I was, that I no longer wanted to be. From the inside out, God had to shake me up really good for me to realize and see it. I had to go down into the depths of darkness, and survive that, to be “resurrected” back into the Life of God, the Life of Love. Besides, “Oh My God”, if you can survive the darkness like that, and you come back and still have Love in your heart, out of all the fear and all of the things you went through, then you will know that it was the Divine Hand of God that held me and kept me.
“We would know nothing of the ineffable and nothing of the immeasurable without the help of the one who comes forth from the One who is the Father. He alone has informed us.” (The Apocryphon of John: Origin of Reality)
So, now I’m here, you know, all the things, all the shit I’ve been through, the darkness I’ve been through; everything that I have been through, led me to here, to here right now, to these trees, to this chair right now that I am sitting in, to listening to these crickets out here sing, to the bugs that are trying to bite my legs right now, to the Love that I have for Life, to the Love that I have for God; everything that I AM; everything that I could ever imagine me to be, everything! All of that led me to this moment right here. From the time I was being born and refused to come into this world; I already knew what it was, but would soon forget; and the doctor had to use forceps to get me out; to growing up with all of the issues I had as a child; all of the things that I went through as an adult, all of the rights and wrongs I’ve done; everything that I had to pay for, even when I didn’t realize I was paying for it! EVERY THING! To all of the blessings I’ve had, even to the death of my old ways, the death of my old personality, and to the vision of that funeral. Because that’s what it all was; that’s what it was all about because I no longer have the thoughts or temptations of my old ways. I don’t think about that stuff anymore.
I’m not depressed, I’m not down, I don’t feel sad. I can’t explain what that feeling was, but it was like I was lingering between life and death, you know, when I was going through that “dark night of the soul”. It was like, I was here, but, I wasn’t here. It was like I was literally between life and death; because I was thinking about death all of the time, but I had to perform the daily functions of living. I had to go to work, I had to see to my kids getting to school, see to them eating. You know, I had to live life as if I was in the physical world. Right now, I can’t explain it any better, but it felt like I was lingering between life and death. And life won, because in all of that darkness, I found Light, I found Love, I found God. Well, I won’t say I found God, because he was never “lost” to me, but I realized His Presence within me. And once I did that, slowly but surely, ways started opening up for me. I was like, “Wowww”.
It even came to a point where it was time to leave my job. It was time! I had been thinking about it for a few years prior to me leaving it, but it never seemed to be the “right” time. The kids were still young, I had to keep a roof over their heads, I needed the insurance, I had to ensure that my kids ate. So, I stayed. And each year I would say to myself “maybe you can go somewhere else and get a job.” But it was always a reason and an excuse not to. I couldn’t go back home, no “home” to go to. My Mom was no longer around, and others had their own issues to deal with. I had nobody! So, I stayed, and I prayed to God. Slowly but surely, I got stronger. I kept on doing the things I was doing, but I got stronger and stronger. I never got a promotion at work, I was only getting two and three cent raises, literally, like two pennies…two fuckin pennies. One year, I think I got a dollar raise, but that was one out of twelve years. No lie! And I was good at the job. But they “nickeled and dimed” me, boyyy. They didn’t even “nickel and dime” me, they “pennied” me. I don’t know what the hell they did, but I stayed there. It was injustice there, just like with a lot of things in the area. Nonetheless, I stayed there because of my responsibilities to my kids, and also because I worked alone, and I enjoyed that. I had to stay there until it finally got to a point where, when I thought about leaving, I was no longer worried, knowing it was going to be okay, and that whatever was going to be, was going to be! There was no sense in worrying because as long as I stayed there, I was tied down, shackled and confined; “imprisoned”, basically, for the insurance, and living paycheck to paycheck. I didn’t make enough to do any real investing, outside of 401K.
Needless to say, I was never going to get rich working for someone else. I could have stayed there until retirement and wouldn’t have anything to show for it. Not a damn thing; not a damn thing! As long as my kids were old enough, my son had finished school, there was no sense in me staying there. So, when I started thinking about leaving, the last time, and I wasn’t worried or scared or wondering how I was going to do this or that, it was then time to go. That was God right there; that was God right there because He had already taken away all of the worries and cares. “You no longer have to worry because you realize and recognize who got you!” And yes, I did! So, I left the job, I mean I put in my resignation. I kept putting it off month after month and my kids didn’t believe I was going to leave. But I called myself waiting for this and waiting for that. But as long as I kept putting it off, they still had me “imprisoned”. So, finally I left. When I left, they wanted to know the reason for me leaving, or if I had another job. They called me in for an exit interview and all kinds of shit. I was like, “No, I don’t have another job.” “What are you going to do; how are you going to take care of yourself?”, they asked. I told them that I wasn’t sure, but it was time for me to go. I just knew it was time to go.
And it was sad, you know, because I had been there so long and had been through a lot, on and off the job. Shit, I went to work driving in hurricane weather, trees in the road; trying to get to work to make sure I got my money. But I’m no longer imprisoned to that routine anymore, and I thank God for that. Once I was okay with leaving my job, with no promise for a future one, that’s when I knew, for sure, that God had me. And “Win, no matter what it’s going to be, you will be alright!” That’s when I left the job. I still didn’t know what I was going to do, but I knew that I had things I wanted to do, but never had the nerve to do them. But now is the time, for whatever it is. I’ve got to do whatever it is God has for me to do. God is running the show. I have been through illness, pain, depression, violence, and thinking that I was “psychotic” …all kinds of shit; but nobody knew, nobody knew what I was feeling, but me and God. My kids didn’t even know; just me and God. But I’m here to tell y’all about it. You better look within and try to comprehend. God is right there, and He has something for you on the other side.
“And thus, are the secrets of his heart made manifest; and so, falling down on his face, he will worship God, and report that God is in you of a truth.” (1 Corinthians 14:25 KJV)”
The Mark Of God: Conversations with Win, 2016-2017
The Mark Of God: Understanding Your "I AM Presence" 