“I don’t know how I came across it, but I came across this book called “The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth am I Here For”, by Rick Warren. I read that book. I cannot remember all the details of that book, still it had a huge impact on my life and in my world. Somewhere in that book, I was guided as to how to find my purpose in life; that thing that just drove me, that I always thought about, that I always wanted but may have thought was impossible, but for me to just go for it. That book really did it for me, and I read it a couple of times. I even tried to share it with others, but you know, some people aren’t on the same level or where you are at certain stages of your life. But I eventually got my book back after lending it out. It really helped me find my passion.
I realized at that point, this was 2005, probably the spring of that year, that my passion was religion, or at that time, I thought it was, only because I had so many questions, so many unanswered questions that no church, pastor, friends, or whomever, could answer for me. Those were answers that I had to find on my own. So, I figured I would go to school for that thing which I had thought about a few times before, but was reluctant to pursue, fearing, “What kind of job would I get with a degree in Religion and Philosophy?” At that time, I was thinking monetarily. That’s all it was about, money. Money, because you have to live in this physical world and shit, so you want to have as much as you think you need. That’s how I was thinking, but I decided to go for it. I may have been around thirty-eight, at that time. I said to myself “Okay, Win, you know what it is you want to do now. You want to go to school for religion.” I wasn’t thinking philosophy at that time because I wasn’t even grouping the two together. So, there were a few schools in the area that I could go to, but I didn’t want to have to drive too far, because getting off work in the morning, I would have had no energy or motivation to drive any further. It needed to be close.
So, I tried one school in one area, but they didn’t have the program that I wanted. There was a school, Barton College, which was in town, but I was trying to avoid it. I’m not sure why, but I think by it being a Christian school, I may have thought it would be too rigid with Biblical rules and regulations, I don’t know. I continued to look around but nothing else was close enough. I finally checked out Barton, positive that they would have a Religion program and they did; they had a Religion and Philosophy program. Most people that didn’t want to preach would minor in that program. I had no intention of becoming a preacher, but I majored in it, and declared a minor in English. The next step was the financial aid, registration, and all of the other steps that you have to go through to go to school. And I did it, and everything was just flowing through. Flowing through and was right on time. I just felt like it was the Glory of God. You know, everything was just working out like it was supposed to. And that fall of 2005, I started school at Barton College for Religion and Philosophy. I have to say, I enjoyed it. I enjoyed it, although my favorite classes were the philosophy classes. I wasn’t too keen on the religious classes because they were more directed at Christianity and its dogma and I still felt that my questions were unanswered, whereas I enjoyed the world religion courses much more.
I stayed at Barton, for about three years. Then I stopped. It became too much for me. In the process of me going to school, I was still partying, still working a twelve-hour shift; I had a full load at school because I wanted to hurry up and get done with it, not wanting to go to school for ten years, part-time. I wanted to go ahead and get through in four years if I could. So, by me working at night, twelve-hour shifts, I was able to go to school during the day. I took the full load during the day and did my homework at night. My job wasn’t physically demanding, so I was able to read, write, or do my homework, and it worked out for me. And the job wasn’t going to pay me unless it was work related, and it definitely wasn’t that! I was still partying, but taking my tests; passing, getting good grades, considering my situation; you know, hanging out, taking care of kids, and trying to attain some type of goal to move us up and out of the dark situation that I allowed us to get caught up in.
Everybody would ask “What are you going to school for; you want to be a preacher? You want to teach Sunday school?” You know, trying to be smart asses and shit. But I didn’t want to do any of that, all I knew was that Religion and Philosophy was what I wanted to go to school for. I didn’t know what I wanted to do as far as working was concerned; I had no idea how I was going to incorporate that with Information Systems or computer-related employment. I didn’t know. I knew that was what I wanted to study, but I didn’t know how I was going to get a job with that degree in the area I was living in. I didn’t know what God had for me, and I guess at that time it wasn’t for me to know. But at that point, He was still gently guiding me, still guiding me, through a lot of stuff.
Yeah, so I started school in 2005. I’m still dealing with a lot of things, but nothing was going to deter me from going to school, because that was what I wanted. So when I was tired, or I had gotten off work and had to go to school to work on papers, or whatever, I would take my daughters, whichever one would go, to the school library and they would type up my papers for me. I had written them out, but I would let them type them up, because I would be just that tired. They would do it for me, so Big Up to my girls because they were there for me, no matter what, no matter what; and we did that thing!
Then it got to a point where the relationship was getting ready to be done. The relationship was getting ready to be over about a year or so later. Another couple of years, maybe. It was already over before that though, dead and stanky, as far as “sincerity”! Needless to say, I am not going to glorify anybody else by going into all of that. But what I’m going to talk about is what my Spirit was feeling, and my Spirit was tired. My Spirit was “t i d e”! I was tired of all the bullshit that I went through. I was tired of lots of things. And, you know, not realizing at the time that I was an empath, it wasn’t just about what I was going through, but my environment, and me picking up on other things as well, picking up on other people’s bad vibes. And all of that affected my Spirit, it kept my Spirit in a low place, in a dark place.
A lot of people would ask me, family members, friends, the one or two that I had, “Why do you stay with this guy? Why do you do this, or why do you do that?”, blah blah blah, as if they didn’t have their own issues that they should have been questioning! And, honestly, I knew, but I didn’t know. All I could tell them was “You just don’t understand.” It was like, I understood, but I didn’t know how to explain it to them so that they would, or could, understand. You know, because it was on a deeper level, and a lot of the people I rolled with weren’t at that particular stage where I was at that time, spiritually, the dark night of the soul. I’m just learning that at that time I was at a “stage”, per se. I didn’t know what stage or what level, but I knew something was going on. So, a lot of things I didn’t know how to explain to people, you know. Then when I would try, people would look at me like I was this or that. I realized that; and I realized within myself that I wanted to get out of that dark place, but I wasn’t sure as to how to do it. I wasn’t sure. Not realizing at the time that darkness was all around me, you know, in the people that I associated myself with, I wasn’t even thinking on those terms; it was, at that time, what it was. That’s how I was thinking. It was like, I worked, went to school, took care of my kids, and whatever else.
So, I’m thinking I’m just living life. However, I was living life in the physical world, but I wasn’t taking care of my Spiritual world. I wasn’t living Life or taking care of my Spirit, so I was allowing darkness all up in my shit; negative energies all in my world. I didn’t know, or I didn’t realize the extent of it. I felt something to a degree, and I already knew what was going on, the reason for the situation in which I found myself. I had come to that conclusion. But, like I said, I didn’t know how things were going to take place, at what point, or what the outcome was to be.
So, I’m still going on and doing my “thing” and taking care of my kids. I think I ended up moving again. This was the last house. This was the house, I think, where the dark night of my soul went into full effect. Because I felt like it had already begun with the stuff that I had previously written about. But this is where it all began to play out. I did not see this as it was going on, only through reflection. So, I moved to the other place, right, still with dude, but this would be our last “journey” together. But yeah, stuff still going on, not as much violence. At this point we had both learned to walk away, not without arguing though. I can’t say it was his fault for my issues or whatever, because the issues I was dealing with were about me; and the issues he was dealing with were about him. And because we were both dealing with things, it caused more conflict between the two of us. You know, neither one of us not understanding what was going on within ourselves. I don’t know if he ever realized what his issues were or whatever, but I definitely realized mine. And I knew it was about time.
At this point, I’m still staying out, still partying, still going to school, still working. But I’m hanging out as much and as often as I could, not wanting to go home until it was dark outside, or I think ‘he’ is not there, or sleep, or something. You know, I’m hanging out till the end, just partying, with good people. I hung out with some good people too. I wasn’t always around dark-hearted people; I rolled with some good people as well. But I’m hanging out and stuff, dreading to go home. It was just getting bad; I couldn’t take it. It wasn’t getting more violent, as a matter of fact, the violence had lessened over the last couple of years prior to us moving. But the resentment had built up, and the tiredness of my Spirit. I was just “t i d e” and the resentment I had towards him just grew, and any feeling or attachment that I had to this person had left long ago. It was about time!
What really did it for me was the selfishness! God had awakened me to the selfishness which I felt was already there, and all around me at that time. But initially it didn’t bother me. I was just chill, or at least I thought I was. I really wasn’t. But, the selfishness, the manipulation; the fact that I even allowed much of it, became too much for me. I forgot who the fuck I was. In all that I went through, holding on to grief, anger, and resentment, somewhere along the line, Win, forgot who Win was. Yeah, I was still out there doing my thing. I was the “party animal”, always invited somewhere. You know, the people who talk so bad about me now, was always on every set with me…that they knew about. But I was doing all of those things, all of those things. Deep down inside though, it was time.
You know, throughout this whole relationship, this whole thing, I had been straight faithful, straight loyal. That’s the kind of person I have always been. Because to me, to go spreading your ‘love’ all over the place is nasty; its’s nasty for a man to go slinging his d***, all over “tarnation”; It’s just fuckin’ nasty. Then you go back to your partner with all of these energies on you and shit, or she got all of those nasty energies on her; now you got her shit, and her previous shit; and you got your shit, and your previous shit, and all these other shits; now you are swish-swashing all around with one another. It’s just fuckin’ disgusting to me. So, needless to say, I’ve never been one to do that, during a relationship. To me it is nasty, and the main reason relationships don’t work out…too many different ‘spirits’ involved. And yet, the dark night of the soul reminded me during the breakdown of the self, lest I forgot, that I was not perfect either!
If it would get to a certain point, I knew what it took to get over somebody. It doesn’t always work for some; but for the most part, when you are tired of someone for whatever reason in a relationship, and feel a need to move on, and it’s hard as hell, you have to find somebody else to be with. That was my way of thinking at that time, just as simple as that. That’s how it worked for me in the past, but it’s not necessary now. It was a naïve concept, but it worked for me at that time. I guess it was some sort of “redemption” and shit, for being mistreated, or wasting time with someone, thinking you would have been better off with this or with that. But I guess that so-called “redemption” worked for me at that time, because I wasn’t truly in love with those ones from the start. When you love someone, if you really, truly love someone, you won’t get over them so easily. You are not going to even want to go to those extremes to try and get over them; you know what I’m saying! So, I guess I wasn’t really in love from the get-go, with them, or myself. However, that’s not what I would do at this point in my life because I have too much at stake, spiritually, that I am not willing to compromise.
The thing is, in the experience of life, you are always where you need to be, doing what you are doing, because it’s all a part of your life’s journey. Again, this is the training ground right here, so accept your experiences as lessons to learn from, and the participants as teachers, in whatever life bestows upon you. That last year that we were together, the last month, my birthday month, I got with somebody else. And I already knew at that point, once that was done, the relationship was done. And that next month, he was out of there! And my kids were the most joyous, the happiest as a result, I mean, Oh God! And I was happy of the detachment from one of the things that kept me bound in darkness. But it was for the best, I knew it was for the best, I knew it was! So, I let him go, you know, and he went on about his business or whatever. And life went on!
I kept on working. I didn’t go back to school that semester. That was the last one I attended at Barton; I then went to UNCG. I attended online because they were in Greensboro, but I still did a full load with intensive writing classes. Oh my, that shit just burnt me out. I was taking intensive writing classes, still working a 12-hour shift. I think those classes are the reason I am so resistant to writing in “standard form”, I don’t know; but they were no joke! I wasn’t partying as much though because by that time I was tired, and something inside of me started to change; I wasn’t sure what was going on.
Around this time, I started watching Ancient Aliens, I started getting into documentaries. You know, I had already been going to the library because I was in school. But around this time, I started getting into those types of shows and things that I was previously speaking of. This is the strange shit right here! Now, remember, I am still going through the “Dark Night of the Soul”, but at the same time I started thinking about death, my death, when I die, my funeral and how people would react; and what was going to happen to my kids. All of these things. Now, everybody thinks about that on occasion, but I’m talking about, it consumed me! Those thoughts consumed me! I mean every single day, no matter what I was doing, I was thinking about death; my death; my funeral; who would come, blah blah blah.
This went on for months and I could not shake it. I did not know why I was thinking about death like this. I didn’t want to kill myself. I wasn’t sad and blue, at least I didn’t think I was, you know. I wasn’t thinking about taking any pills or doing anything harmful to myself, because I loved myself and my kids. But it scared me because I knew that I had been drinking, so was worried that maybe I was sick, and it scared me. I was like, “I don’t want to die an early death, Lord!” I was just concerned about it all of the time; I was spent with it! So, I would try to talk to certain ones about it, and every time I would even mention it, you know, the first thing they would think is, “She is suicidal, she wants to kill herself.” And it wasn’t that, it wasn’t that at all. So, now I’m thinking like everybody else, like “Damn, maybe something is wrong with me.” You know, “Maybe I am crazy”, because I was on edge. I had been on edge for a few years. I was never one to go out and start any trouble with anybody; I had never been that type of person, not an instigator. As a matter of fact, I would try to avoid things. But people will try you and you can’t always avoid things.
So, it didn’t take much for me if I felt threatened in any type of way, or if I felt disrespected in any type of way. You know, as a female with no man around to protect me or my kids, I had to defend myself, I didn’t give a damn who it was, man or woman; I had to defend myself. Yeah, so thinking back on that, I had been on edge, and I did have a quick temper, and I was thinking about death a lot. I don’t know, maybe something was wrong with me. I didn’t know. So, I called myself trying to see somebody, a “Doctor”, but I didn’t like that. I felt like they were just trying to use me and probe my mind as a learning tool or something. I was going to the Doctor in a college town, and I was not seeing “doctors”, but students, getting all into my business before I even “knew” my business, TELLING me what I was feeling, instead of trying to ‘feel’ what the fuck I was feeling. And I didn’t like that! So, I didn’t go back to them anymore. THAT WAS THAT ONE TIME! Then I found another place, and, again, I didn’t even see a “doctor”.
See, this is how the medical system works, right, in my mind anyway. I didn’t even see a doctor, and this ‘physician’s assistant’ or ‘receptionist’ …gave me a piece of paper and told me to check off everything that I was feeling or going through. I checked it off, he scanned over it, then wrote me a prescription for some damn pills. And my silly ass went and got the pills, thinking, “damn, maybe something is wrong with me”. I got the pills and took them for about a week, thinking they were going to help me, but I kept them for a long time in case something happened to me. I took them for a week or so, and the only thing I could manage the strength to do, and I had to struggle to do this, was to literally pull myself out of bed to go to work and get back home to that bed. That’s all I could do. I mean they had me like I was a fuckin’ zombie, and I didn’t like that feeling. The kids would come to me like, “Mommy, mommy, are you getting up?” And I couldn’t get up; I had no strength!
So, I never did go back to that “doctor”. I looked at the bottle of pills, and it stated, “Don’t stop taking suddenly”. This is another time God was with me. The bottle stated, “Don’t stop taking suddenly”. But damn if I didn’t stop taking THEM “BITCHES”; They had to go! I stopped taking those pills, I didn’t go to any Doctor, and I never saw another one about shit pertaining to my mind or psyche. I just stopped taking them, and ALL GLORY TO GOD, nothing bad happened as a result. But I don’t like the way they push medicines on you, as if they don’t give a damn about you. That man didn’t give a damn about me. All he wanted to do was push that damn medicine, so however much he sold, his profits increased. That’s what I think. I just don’t trust that industry at all.
Anyway, I am still thinking about death; still thinking about death. Then I felt like I was going into a state of depression, my body was sore, like stiff, and I couldn’t sit or stand for too long. I was like, “Damn, am I getting old; what the hell is going on?” “What is it? What’s wrong with me?” I’m stiff, I can’t move easily, I can’t stand up too long, I can’t sit down too long; thinking about death, I think I’m dying. I didn’t know what the fuck was going on. I wasn’t hanging out as much, you know. Shit was just changing. I didn’t know what was going on with me. But I kept on going to work, I was attending concerts whenever one would come to the area, still trying to have a good time whenever I could. Still hanging around the grimy ass people that I was hanging around with at the time. And I knew, you know I knew those people were “filthy” then. I saw the things that they did or whatever, to family and friends. But me, being the loyal person that I am, having known some of these people all of my life, you know what I’m saying; I’m just hanging in there.
But at the same time, I’m still going through what I was going through. But people are grimy and selfish, they will lower your vibration, they will use you, as long as you have something for them to use. They will talk about you when you are not around, out of hate and jealousy, but not to your face, no matter what you may have done for them, which TRULY stems from their insecurities and low self-esteem issues. To me, material things come and go. I have had money and possessions, lost them, had them again, etc., so, I don’t mind sharing what I have, I have never been stingy. Thus, there was no getting over on me, because MY TREASURES ARE STORED IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, WHICH IS WITHIN ME, WHERE THE SPIRIT OF GOD ALSO DWELLETH …and I will never lack, no matter how much I give. However, I’ll be smarter about who I give it to, next time!
“Open ye the gates, that the righteous nation which keepeth the truth may enter in. Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.” (Isaiah 26:2-3 KJV)”
The Mark Of God: Conversations with Win, 2016-2017
The Mark Of God: Understanding Your "I AM Presence" 