I write these conversations as a result of my meditations and reflections about my life. I started them with myself as a therapeutic method to flush out and deal with some dark aspects of my personality that I considered non-beneficial, and that kept me from recognizing the Truth of my Being. It is now obvious to me that individuals don’t have to come from a certain background or religious affiliation to be accepted and marked by God. The Spirit of the Exalted One dwells in each of us, no matter our circumstances. However, we must be brave enough to risk the “death” of the old self, the “conditioned” self, and rise again in a New Light. Real talk; Love in the truest sense. Amen.
We should all, at some point in our lives, be willing to explore those other dimensions and aspects of ourselves; to truly comprehend the ancient teachings put forth by the Great Masters, because it is each Individual’s Spirit that has to be corrected, in order to collectively affect and correct Humanity, for the betterment. Research and study! Read the ancient esoteric texts (Gnostic and banned) that were once “forbidden”, but now are easily accessible. Read for an understanding and clarity that may guide you to a better understanding of your Source, as well as your Queendom or Kingdom.
“Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore, get wisdom: and with all thy getting, get understanding.” (Proverbs 4:7 KJV)
There are many, many people in the world; ones that go to church three or four times a week, teach Sunday school on the weekends, and make every attempt to convert anyone, whom they see or consider unworthy of the “Mark of God”, to their way of thinking or their ideas or dogmas about what God’s worthiness is. Then there are the “average ones”; but even the “average ones” should be considered worthy of the “Mark of God.” God created all things in the Universe – every animate and inanimate object, every animal, every plant, every tree, every man, every woman. God is the Creator of all things, and as such, why wouldn’t His creations be worthy of His Mark or His Love? Millions of people tend to think that Jesus the Christ was the epitome of God’s word, the most Excellent of them all, the most Perfect Creation; God Himself, actually. That’s what many people think. But they tend to forget that even Jesus Himself, you know, killed someone. Unaware of the Power of His words, He killed someone. (Infancy Gospel of Thomas 4:1-2). God forgave Him and He was still considered worthy. He was still God’s son, and people still see Him as “God”. So even the Greatest of the Greats had been through some hard times and had done some things that many people may not have been so proud of, or that we now see as wrong. Yet they still accept Him as the Christ, Jesus the Christ, their Savior. But when every day average people, the same ones that were created by God, just as Jesus was, go out and make a mistake or commit crimes and do things that cause them shame in life, everyone wants to ostracize the “average” ones, considering themselves “holier than thou”, Sons of God, Daughters of God, the Highly Elect; I don’t know! But you can walk down the street every single day in any major city and see homeless people that have nothing, being more kind to ones that have seemingly everything, than those ones being kind to the homeless. We never know who we’re talking to, who we are speaking to, or who we are entertaining. You know, God, unaware, can be in any of us, and He is in any of us – all of us – and He will show Himself in us once we recognize that He is inside of us and not outside of us. You don’t have to look outside of yourself for God, He is right there. He’s been there all the time. And once you realize that, and find the God within you, you can realize your Power, and you can pass it on to show others how to gain and recognize that power within themselves. And if each one teaches one, imagine what this world would be!
Many people see me a certain way because of the things I’ve been through in my life, although those things may have happened nearly ten, fifteen, or twenty years ago, not to mention when I was a kid. They still judge me by my past; not believing or thinking that God Himself decides who and what we are going to do with our lives. Now, if God sees fit for me to spread His word freely to mankind, the Truth, why is that a problem for everybody else? Because everybody else is not looking within, everybody else is trying to follow suit in the world, instead of looking within and finding their own Kingdom inside themselves. Everyone tries to judge what they don’t understand instead of trying to understand the Truth, something they actually need to know. Seriously! What makes me so unworthy, you know? What makes the next person so much more worthy because they go to church seven days a week and they open their Bible, the only book they stick to; the only book that they believe is the Truth; no other book can be the Truth to them, even though the books were written by men. Written by men, translated thousands of times; a lot of times; all different versions, different denominations, all different kinds of things. What really makes one think that his religion is THE only way? Why would God create all of these people in the world and things in the world to only love some of it? Wouldn’t that be such a waste… on so many levels? Why not give the world to the ones He really loves, you know, and let them rule and run it?! Because He loves us all. And yeah, we’ve all made mistakes. Shit, nobody’s perfect! Never said I was, never claimed to be, and I am not ashamed of anything I’ve done. Not nary a thing! I am not ashamed of shit! And I’m not going to judge anyone else on things that they have done because I know what I have done, and I know what we all are capable of. However, I refuse to let anyone mistreat me, or disrespect me, when they are no better than me, you know? Man come on! God chose me to do whatever it is He has for me to do. I don’t even know exactly what it is He has for me to do, but He chose me to do it. And as long as I follow His plan and listen to the Goddess, then so be it! I am going to do whatever it is He has for me to do. It doesn’t matter where I came from, it doesn’t matter the things I’ve done, the poverty I have lived in, the violence – none of that matters to God, because He will mark you wherever He chooses to mark you, at whatever time in your life he sees fit. My time was in my struggles. I remember exactly when it happened. I didn’t notice that it was a mark until years later. But I remember exactly when it happened. I was in a violent relationship, and as usual, there was aggression and I had to fight…I had to fight to “prove my love”, I guess; I don’t know. But in the process of fighting, I managed to punch a glass panel on the side of the front door. In my anger, I punched that glass panel with my left fist, and I cut my wrist up, near some major veins, and blood started running down my arm. I’ll never forget it. I didn’t cry, get scared or panicky or anything like that because at the time I was enraged, and I was somewhat oblivious to what was really going on. My main concern was stopping the bleeding. I didn’t go to the doctor, nor did I go to the hospital; but I knew I had to keep pressure on it to stop the bleeding. It was scary, but, if you know me, you know I wasn’t going to let anyone know. I prayed to God, and the bleeding stopped. Eventually it healed, leaving a number seven on my left wrist.
“They say still unto them that despise me, The Lord hath said, Ye shall have peace; and they say unto everyone that walketh after the imagination of his own heart, no evil shall come upon you. For who hath stood in the counsel of the Lord, and hath perceived and heard his word; who hath marked his word, and heard it?” (Jeremiah 23:17-18 KJV)
Life went on, you know, of course still violent. Violence here, violence there – at home, in the streets, all the time. But God was right there with me, even though I didn’t feel His Presence. I never knew; I never knew because I always felt disconnected from Him. In partying and going out, I could never really feel His Presence. I partied hard; I partied hard and the people that I rolled with at that time, partied hard. And I lived, at that time, to party because I was stifling my feelings, still going through the pain of losing my mom, along with everything else. But to me it seemed like nobody cared; nobody understood. A couple of people actually asked me “why are you still crying and grieving over your momma, everybody loses somebody sometimes,” as if everybody feels or experiences grief the same way. And it hurt me because the people who said it seemed to be jealous of the memory of my momma; like, “go on, so we can do this thing.” But it was more than that to me…it meant more than that to me. And I think the more people tried to force me to push that pain away, the more it welled up in me. It was like nobody understood. Nobody seemed to understand!
Well, at any rate, I felt like I was alone, but I was never alone. I did a lot of things – I partied, I loved the wrong people, you know? I’m not going to get into it, but I loved the wrong people. I drank, Oh God! Man come on; I drank, and I drank, and I drank; and I partied, and I smoked. And that’s what I did, and I did it for years. I did it for years trying to suppress pain. Still trying to suppress the pain of losing my mom, trying to suppress the pain of the violent situation I allowed myself to get into; trying to suppress the pain of watching my children suffer because of my choices. The whole time, the entire time, I always felt like there was a reason for it; there was a reason for all of that pain. I knew there was a reason for it because I had dreamt about it. I just never knew how it would come about. I actually had an aunt ask me once, “Are you ready?” I can’t remember the situation in which she asked that question, but she asked me was I ready. I never did find out what she meant, and if I asked her about it right now, she probably wouldn’t even know. But even going through everything that I went through, the unemployment, the poverty, the humiliation, everything that I went through, it was like I knew I had to go through it for some reason. I didn’t know what the reason was. And really, in going through it, you don’t really give a damn what the reason is, you just know that you are going through it, and you don’t like that shit! “Why am I going through this? Why do I have to suffer? Where in my life had I been so wrong, or had I hurt someone so bad, that I am allowed to go through this?” But I remembered from a dream I had years earlier that God told me, or at the time who I thought was God, that He was going to allow me to go through something and it was going to hurt me. He said I was going to feel like I couldn’t take it but when it hurt me or it felt like it got too bad or too unbearable, He wanted me to hold on to Him. He said, “Whatever you do, don’t look back!” And in that dream, I don’t know what went on, but a kind of ritual took place. I don’t know what the ritual was, but I initially thought the entities were God and Jesus because there were two of them. I’ve since, a long time ago, realized that that wasn’t the case. I was floating in the air, and, whatever or whomever they were, there was one on each side. As I was holding on to the entity on the left as tightly as I could, shaking and trembling and scared, the entity on my right side took its hand and ran it from the top of my forehead, down the front of my body, to the top of my toes. Then my body started burning. He then took his hand and ran it from the base of my feet, up my back, to the back of my head. My body started burning even more. I was holding on to the entity on the left, with my eyes close. The entity on the right seemed excited, as if he couldn’t wait for the “thing” to happen. I was enduring the pain, but it became so intense that I went to look back at the entity on my right. When I did, the entity on the left placed his hand on the side of my head, my temple, so I couldn’t see, and held it until it was all over. When it was over, I stood up and they were gone. I then proceeded to walk down a long white hallway, in slow motion. As I walked down the hallway, there were glass doors lining both sides. But there was nothing to see in any of them except one. There was a male figure standing in that doorway, and he did not seem to notice me, but looked straight ahead. Out of all the doorways, that was the only image of a person I saw. I did not recognize the person; but for some reason, I remembered the silhouette, and what I remembered most was a hat on his head, with a head covering of some sort that seemed to hang from under the hat. Now, that part stuck with me over the years, whenever that dream would come back to me. The figure didn’t seem to notice me though; but stood there only, as if waiting for something. I saw him, but was unable to speak, for whatever reason. I resumed looking ahead as I continued walking down the long white hallway. At the end of that hallway was a door. As I opened the door, all was bright light, and there were many people that I had known throughout my life, that were all sitting around talking with one another. I have often wondered what exactly took place, the revelation. I knew it was something significant because the dream seemed so real. I just wasn’t sure what it was.
“And Joseph dreamed a dream, and he told it his brethren: and they hated him yet the more. And he said unto them, Hear, I pray you, this dream which I have dreamed.” (Genesis 37:5-6 KJV)
Needless to say, I wondered, was concerned, tried to figure it out, blah blah blah. Nobody could help me with it, yada yada yada! So eventually life went on, but the dream was always there, and would often come to the forefront of my mind. I continued though. I continued in that relationship, you know, the violent relationship that I was in, and I lingered in the struggle because of the location I was in. Had I not been there, I probably wouldn’t have struggled so badly. Had I not been with that person, I probably wouldn’t have struggled so badly. Had my Spirit not been so messed up and grieved, and dark, full of resentment and anger, I probably wouldn’t have struggled, so badly. But it was all of those things, and it was the hardest thing in the world for me to get over. No matter how hard I tried, no matter who I talked to, no matter how I suppressed it, I could NOT get over it. It probably would have been easier had I not had a whole bunch of other stuff to deal with. But during that time, even though I felt disconnected from God, He had me. I tried to dream about my momma at times when I felt like I needed some love and support, but she wouldn’t come to my dreams. I tried to call on God, but it just seemed like He wouldn’t come. It just seemed like he would not come! I have since realized that I was calling on a God that was outside of me to help me, when all the time my help was already within me. But I couldn’t see that help in me because I was living in darkness. Like I said, you can’t see in darkness when you don’t have any light! I had no hope. I was hurt, I was lonely, I was resentful, I was angry. Shit, I was probably hungry! I don’t know, but I had no HOPE, no light; no light was in my world at that time. So, I couldn’t see God, I couldn’t see my momma, I couldn’t see anybody, I couldn’t see anything!
“Beware that no one leads you astray saying Lo here or lo there! For the Son of Man is within you. Follow after Him! Those who seek Him will find Him. Go then and preach the gospel of the Kingdom. Do not lay down any rules beyond what I appointed you, and do not give a law like the lawgiver, lest you be constrained by it. When He said this, He departed.” (Gospel of Mary 4:34-39)
Once more, I had no light and no hope. I was dreaming about demons, big ass, flying demons coming at me in my dreams and stuff. It was just always darkness in my dreams. Things started falling apart for me. I had a decent job, but I ended up losing it. It seemed as if it was a domino effect; I had a decent job that I lost, they repossessed my car, I had no income, and “they” wouldn’t give me any help. I was still in the relationship and all kinds of things just started going wrong, you know? Oh it was just darkness, just darkness everywhere. Everything you could imagine darkness to be, that’s where I was. That’s where my Spirit was. If Hell is here on Earth, then that’s where I was. At that time, I was in Hell, straight Hell! God Is good though, cause like I said, He always had my back, even when I didn’t know it. It got so bad one time, I didn’t know where or which way to go. I ended up going to see a “root doctor.” If you don’t know what a “root doctor” is, I guess it’s like a Shaman – sort of a “country Shaman man.” But I ended up going to see this “root doctor.” He was in the woods; I couldn’t remember how to get to his house, even if I knew. But I remember he was a real bo-legged man, and he had really bad cataracts. That man told me to come with him, then he took me in his kitchen and pulled out a book; I guess it was his Bible. I don’t know what he read from, but he pulled that Bible out and he started speaking in “tongues.” Then he started praying, I guess he was praying, in tongues. He said some other stuff, then he asked me a couple of things – did I think somebody had done something to me, you know, worked some “roots”? What object of mine do I think they may have done it to? And I told him. He prayed for me again and gave me a sacred object to keep with me at all times. Then this man told me to get some sulfur. Now, in the country they use sulfur to keep the snakes away. But he told me to get some sulfur and sprinkle it around my car and everywhere I think someone may have cursed in order to harm me. And at the time, that’s what I was thinking because God wasn’t coming to me. He wasn’t coming to me, I didn’t have any light, and all I saw was darkness. So that’s what I thought! Anyway, I got the sulfur, and I sprinkled it around my car, and in my house. The person who I was with, I put some in his shoes and he didn’t know it. The next day I called “the people” and told them to come and get my car. They got my car, and I got three job offers the next day. Of course, I had to end up taking the job that I could most easily get to, because at that point I was no longer mobile. I ended up working as a waitress at the Waffle House. Ha! I’ll never forget it. It was a good little way from my house, but it was still in town. I said to my aunt, “Well, I can’t take the job because I don’t even have a way to get there.” And she said “Win, just take the job and God will make a way.” As usual, God made a way! God made a way, even when I didn’t see it. Like I said, I was still disconnected from Him, but these things are happening.
I ended up calling my sister who lived in Maryland. She had a car; It was a two-seater Mazda, but someone had tried to break into the car and broken the alarm, so I had to get the car fixed before I could take it back to North Carolina. And even then, she didn’t have the registration, so I couldn’t get any tags on the car, because it had “sat up” for so long. But family members helped me at least get the car fixed. So, I went up there, got the car fixed, then drove the car back home. I was never able to get the car registered in North Carolina; I was never able to get new tags. Yet I drove that car to work at the Waffle House, and anywhere else I wanted to go, for over a year on dead tags, in a small town. I was partying so hard that the police already knew me. So, I’m living down the street from the police station, and whenever I would get my drink on and wanted to go out, sometimes when you’re drunk you don’t know which way you’re going; but I would get in my car and drive right past the police station. And it got to a point where they wouldn’t come after me. But a couple of times they did get me, and would say, “You know those tags are dead, don’t you? You know that sticker is dead?” I said “Yeahhh!” You know, I would talk to them because they got to a point where they knew me. Many times, they had come to the house for domestic altercations, and a few times I’ve seen the inside of the jail cell due to those altercations. But they would usually just give me a warning. Now, I used to drive this car to work, about eighteen miles or so, but I had to get on the highway. Often it would feel like the steering wheel was loose, which I had never felt on a car. It was strange and scary, but I found out later it was due to criminals trying to silence the alarm when trying to steal it. But I continued to drive it the same, saying a prayer whenever I would feel the slackness in the wheel. Once I had made plans to go hang out at one of my favorite spots. I started drinking before I left the house, of course. I rounded up my crew and headed out. We jumped in the car, pulled out of the driveway, and the steering wheel came completely off the column; the steering wheel…came completely off…the column! How horrifying is that? How catastrophic could that have been had that happened on the highway going sixty or sixty-five miles per hour? Even then, in my darkest moments…God was there. He always was, and always will be! I picked the steering wheel up and looked at it, amazed because I had never seen that happen before. I took it in the house and got it fixed the next day. We got in another car though and continued.
“He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. Surely, he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.” (Psalm 91:1-4 KJV)
I drove that car for over a year to work, you know, trying to take care of my kids, making $2.13 an hour, plus tips, at the Waffle House. And if y’all don’t know, trying to get a decent tip out of a white man in a Southern town, is like trying to grow weed in darkness; it was the hardest thing to get done. And I mean they didn’t care, they were ignorant. They were ignorant, in my experience. But I had to do what I had to do, and I did that job for a year. Then I finally got the job that I just recently left, and I was on that job for twelve years; still taking care of my kids, still on the job, still partying and drinking, and still doing my “thing.” And, yes, yeah, I was a “functional” alcoholic, I guess, but I took care of my kids. I was there for my kids, and I handled my business to the best of my ability at that time. Always wondering though, whenever my car would break down, how I would always get another one. Whenever I had to move or decided to move, how I was always able to do so. Whenever my kids needed something to eat or school clothes for the school year coming up, how I was always able to get them the things that they needed, passing on the things that they could no longer use. It wasn’t what they always wanted all of the time, but I was able to get them what they needed. And as I reflect back on that, looking at my situation, how was I able to do that when no one else around me was able to do it – without a bigger struggle? How was I able to do that? Because God had already marked me, He already had me. But I didn’t know it. In my ignorance I didn’t see that God was inside of me and not outside of me, and that He was gently guiding me and pushing me. In that ignorance I allowed myself and my children to experience hardships. After reflection, I no longer say it was unnecessary; I say it was necessary for their future development, as well as mine. And I can see it so clearly now, where I couldn’t see it then.
“Hide thy face from my sins and blot out all mine iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.” (Psalm 51:9-11 KJV)
The Mark Of God: Conversations with Win (2016-2017)
The Mark Of God: Understanding Your "I AM Presence" 